CASINO

The World’s Best (And Worst) Casino Jokes!

Casinos, whether online or in the real world, should be about having fun and of course, that means laughing and smiling. So to that end, we’re going to change the pace a little this week and put a smile on your face with a selection of some of the best, and a fair few of the worst, casino-themed jokes!

Let’s begin with some quickfire jokes that are easy to remember!

Quickfire Casino Jokes

  • How do you walk out of any casino with a small fortune? Walk into the casino with a large fortune.
  • I used to visit my local casino until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef. The steaks were just too high for me.
  • I was waiting outside the Bellagio when Dwayne Johnson appeared and squashed me against the wall. I was stuck between the Rock and a card place.
  • Why aren’t there too many casinos in China? Because they don’t like Tibet.
  • Did you hear about the Tyrannosaurus Rex that got a job as a croupier? He was a small arms dealer.
  • I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino and four weeks later, they still had not been delivered. I rang them up and turns out they were still dealing with my order.
  • Why wouldn’t the Sesame seed leave the casino? Because he was on a roll.
  • Why did the flatulent blacksmith run a casino? Because he who smelt it dealt it.
  • A couple move to Nevada and a husband hits a huge win at the casino. He rushes home and yells to his wife “Pack up your things! I just won millions of dollars at the casino!” His wife grabs a suitcase and begins to pack excitedly, asking “Should I pack for warm weather or cold?” “I don’t care, just so long as you’re out of the house by noon,” replies he husband.
  • I was enjoying a few spins on the roulette wheel…But the manager asked me to get off.
  • What is the name of the Native American spirit lady that haunts casinos? Poker Hauntress
  • I see they’ve opened a casino for dogs in Vegas. They can play roulette, blackjack, poker and slots all under one roof. But they have to outside for craps.

Longer But Funny Casino Jokes…

Did you know that Las Vegas has more Catholic churches than it has casinos? So popular are they that when the congregation attends, they will add casino chips to the collection basket.

The chips are collected every week and sent to the nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting. Once sorted, they are taken to individual casinos to redeem for cash.

This work is done by the chip monks.

 

A gambler walks into a mafia-controlled underground casino with $100 in cash. He placed all the money on red 7. The roulette wheel spins and lands on black 24. Crestfallen, he walks over to the casino manager and asks if he can open him a line of credit. “I can do better than that,” explained the manager

“We are so good at removing limbs that we can hack off your right leg and give you $500 for it, without you bleeding out…” The man agrees, he is knocked out and when he wakes up, his leg has gone, but is sewn up and he has $500 in his wallet.

Once again, he puts it all on Lucky 7, once again it lands on a different number. “Take my right arm!” he says, so the casino does and he wakes up with another $500 in his pocket and now his right arm missing. Once again he puts it all on lucky 7 and loses the bet.

“Ok, take my left leg..” the same thing happens, he puts all $500 on lucky 7 and loses. “Fine, take my left arm too!” he states, the casino complies, he rolls himself along the floor, puts it all on lucky 7 only to see that roll lose too.

Desperate, he rolls to the casino boss but before he could say anything, the Casino Manager places $100 in cash in his mouth and then adds a further $20 to it. “Sir, can I suggest something?” the manager says.

 “Quit while you’re a head.”

 

A man takes a stroll down the Las Vegas strip when the devil appears in front of him. “Take every cent you own and place it on the number 27 at the roulette wheel!” he stated.

Fearful, the man got all the cash he could and places it on 27 and watches in amazement as his bet wins. He exits the casino and walks away several thousand dollars richer. Suddenly, the devil appears again and looks silently at the man’s bulging wallet.

“Take all that money, everything you have just won and put it on 27 again!” The man goes back into the casino, puts his entire bankroll on 27 and then watches in amazement as the number comes up once again!

Everyone in the casino is amazed, the wheel is checked for bias and the win is confirmed as genuine! The man walks out with hundreds of thousands of dollars in a big case. As he walks out the door, the devil appears again with a face like thunder:

“Get back in there and put every last cent of that money back on 27!” the man does as he is told and places all his cash on 27. Incredibly, he wins again. The casino now owes him millions of dollars and he walks out of the casino a multi- millionaire.

The devil appears once again this time crimson-faced. “I don’t know why people say you are the most evil being in the world, you’ve been brilliant to me today!” stated the man. The devil looks at him quizzically and replies

“Well, I’m not sure about that, but you are definitely the luckiest son of a b*tch that I’ve ever seen!”

 

Two casino dealers were very bored waiting for action at the craps table when a beautiful blonde woman walked in and placed a $5,000 chip on a single roll of the dice.

“I hope you gentleman don’t mind,” she said, “but I always feel lucky when I throw the dice while in the nude.” With that she strips out of her clothes and stands ready to roll the dice at the table.

She rolls the dice and shouts “Yes! Yes! I won!” Leaping around, she hugged both the dealers, gave them a kiss, picked up her winnings and clothes and disappeared into the casino.

Stunned, the dealers just stared at each other and one of them asked. “Wow, what did she roll?” to which the other dealer replied:

“I don’t know, I thought you were watching!”

We hope you enjoyed some of these old but good ones!

 

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